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  • Leo Ashe

Will Ted Cruz Be Voted Least Popular Senator Again? In 2018, Cruz Sees Hope in Roy Moore

TEXAS — Two weeks ago, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) withdrew his endorsement of Roy Moore, the embattled GOP nominee for Senate in Alabama who has been accused of having an inappropriate relationship with at least four teenagers, one of whom was 14. “I am not able to urge the people of Alabama to support his candidacy so long as these allegations remain un-refuted”, Cruz remarked. However multiple sources (who wish to remain anonymous) say that Senator Cruz is privately backing Moore wholeheartedly, and has been following the race obsessively. “Most people don’t know this about Ted Cruz — for obvious reasons — but he actually feels emotions like everyone else. I think he knows everyone hates him and deep down that bothers him.” “When these allegations against Roy Moore first came out, Ted was even more excited than the Democrats! I didn’t understand it at first, but then I remembered that the annual vote for most hated senator is coming up and realized that Ted was probably hoping to end his winning streak.” The vote he is referring to has been a tradition in the U.S. Senate dating back to 1972, when in the senate chambers Senator Richard Russell, Jr. (D-GA) — the Democratic majority leader at the time — reportedly shouted to Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC), “Strom! You know everybody hates you, right? In fact, we should have a vote right now and I’d bet you would be the most hated person here! Even more than Edwards… and she’s a woman!” The woman Senator Russell, Jr. was referring to is Senator Elaine S. Edwards (D-LA), the only female senator at the time. Moreover the comment was made only a few years after Senator Thurmond switched from the Democrats to the Republican Party — clearly angering many for his disloyalty and later opposition to the civil rights movement. Ever since that interaction in 1972, the U.S. Senate has held a private vote once a year to determine the least popular member of their institution, and Senator Thurmond was indeed awarded the first “Asshat of the Year” trophy — which was constructed by Senator Sam Ervin (D-NC) and has been handed-down to the annual winner ever since. Over 40 years later, Senator Cruz has been the reigning champion for three years straight, and now he’s hoping his luck will finally change. However recent polling data has consistently put Moore’s Democratic challenger Doug Jones ahead, and as more allegations have been mounted against Moore, it looks like Senator Cruz’s dream is quickly fading away. “Sometimes I see him take the trophy out of a drawer and just stare at it for half-an-hour while refreshing his browser every other minute to see if any new allegations against Moore have come out,” said a staff member who wishes to remain anonymous. Furthermore a senior Republican senator admitted, “I was working late the night of the last vote and he must have thought that he was alone, because I could hear him quietly sobbing in the bathroom. I actually felt bad for him for a minute… until I remembered he was Ted Cruz”. Asked whether he voted for Senator Cruz, the senior Republican replied, “Of course.” At a White House press conference this morning, when President Trump was asked to comment on the story, he laughed it off calling it “fake news”. However a Senior White House Official says privately that Trump loves to make jokes at Senator Cruz’s expense, and later that afternoon he told his Cabinet officials, “I don’t know why Ted Cruz thinks he would more popular than a pedophile.”


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“That's what I do. I smoke weed, and I forget things!” 

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