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  • Leo Ashe

BIDEN 2020 Behind the Scenes Meeting with Corporate Donors

Updated: May 30, 2019



- GOLDMAN HACHS: Hi, you must be from the Biden campaign! 

- BIDEN SURROGATE: Yes, I’m Gunther Biden… How'd you know?

- HACHS: Oh just a hunch… Wait are you related to Joe Biden?

- GUNTHER: Oh no… Just a fan.

- HACHS: Alright, well as you may know, we here at Goldman Hacks have millions of dollars to donate, no strings attached of course! [laughs]

- GUNTHER: [laughs]

- HACHS: We are just kind-hearted people with ZERO intention of furthering our personal or professional lives! [laughs]

- GUNTHER: [laughs]

- HACHS: But before backing any campaign, we carefully review each candidate for potential elephants...

- GUNTHER: Wait, elephants?

- HACHS: Yes, metaphorical elephants, in physical form... Still better than Game of Thrones! We like to have fun here! So let’s start out with general elephants, and then move on to chronological elephants, shall we?

- GUNTHER: Okay…?


OLD WHITE MALE INSIDER

- HACHS: So what do you say to those concerned that Joe, as a political insider for almost 50 years, isn't the right fit to lead the Democratic Party in 2020?

- GUNTHER: Well that there sounds like age-ism… with an extra dose of -ism. I call that experience!

- HACHS: But since Joe’s been planning to run for president since he was in college, if he runs a third time, won’t he seem entitled like Hillary Clinton?

- GUNTHER: Nope! Because Uncle Joe is a likable white man!

TOUCHING HABIT

- HACHS: Fair enough! So, what’s up with the weird touching?

- GUNTHER: Uncle Joe's been very clear about this. Also he’s ready to joke about it whenever you are!

- HACHS: Ooo Compulsively invading personal space for decades and then not taking it seriously is TIGHT! So Joe spent most of his career representing Delaware, the state where most financial companies incorporate to avoid taxes. Hasn’t Joe shown a long pattern of being too cozy with Wall Street? 


MBNA + CORPORATE INTERESTS

- GUNTHER: You're making it seem like Uncle Joe got handsy with corporate interests!

- GUNTHER: Ok so Uncle Joe got a little handsy with corporate interests, but he was simply helping his state over his country! And isn’t that basically the job of a Senator? You’re making it seem like Uncle Joe sold access to the highest bidder!

- GUNTHER: Ok so Uncle Joe sold access to the highest bidder. But you know who else took corporate donations? THIS GUY!

- HACHS: Oh god I miss Obama so much! Alright, so let's move on to chronological elephants now, shall we?

- GUNTHER: How many elephants...?

SCHOOL BUSING

- HACHS: So in 1975, Biden opposed Democrats and LED efforts against school busing to counteract segregation.

- GUNTHER: Uncle Joe said many times that busing was a liberal train wreck.

- HACHS: Actually, research has since shown that school busing was successful at both creating equity for minorities AND pissing off white people.

- GUNTHER: Exactly! Uncle Joe was getting TONS of complaints, and what was he supposed to do, ignore them and lose re-election? Besides, could a white enabler be best friends with this guy?


ABORTION

- HACHS: [ELEPHANT 8 abortion] Can’t argue with that! So in 1982, Joe supported the Hatch Amendment, which would have allowed Republican states to ban abortion, and he also said: "I don’t like the Supreme Court decision on abortion. I think it went too far. I don’t think that a woman has the sole right to say what should happen to her body.”

- GUNTHER: Well as a Catholic, Uncle Joe believes that life begins at conception, and thus abortion is murder. However, he’s evolved and nevertheless believes in a mother's, I mean woman's, right to choose. 

- HACHS: Does he still oppose federal abortion funding to help poor women?

- GUNTHER: Well no, but he's EVOLVING! And you know who else had to evolve? This brother from another mother!


ANITA HILL

- HACHS: That’s true! Now we obviously have to talk about the Anita Hill hearing.

- GUNTHER: Yes and Uncle Joe has said that he "feels really badly that Anita Hill didn't feel like the process worked” for her.

- HACHS: But as chairman at the time, wasn’t it literally Biden's job to make the process work?

- GUNTHER: Look: Uncle Joe regrets doing nothing to help Anita Hill. He regrets prohibiting three other women from corroborating her testimony. And he regrets that these actions allowed Clarence Thomas to become one of the worst Supreme Court justices in modern history. BUT, to be fair... Uncle Joe DID pinky swear a Republican colleague in the Senate gym that he’d make the confirmation hearing “speedy”, so that obviously changes everything!


CRIME BILLS

- HACHS: Ooo lazy backroom dealing that puts a conservative on the Supreme Court is TIGHT! So, Joe supported the Reagan War on Drugs in 1984, 1986, and 1988, AND he sponsored the 1994 Crime Bill, all of which contributed to problems like mass incarceration.

- GUNTHER: Ok look... they used to say crack you never go back, and because it rhymed, everyone believed them! But now Uncle Joe realizes that rich and poor drug users deserve to go to jail equally. And besides, Uncle Joe’s already apologized for his relatively minor role in America’s war on crime and drugs.

- HACHS: Joe nicknamed it the "1994 Biden Crime Bill", and a few years ago he said wasn't at all ashamed of it.

- GUNTHER: Regardless, I think everyone knows that when it comes to social justice policy, Uncle Joe is a plagiarized copy of this guy!

WELFARE

- HACHS: Well as a white man… that’s good enough for me! But what about in 1996 when Joe supported a conservative overhaul of the federal welfare system?

- GUNTHER: How could Uncle Joe have known that significantly cutting welfare benefits would lead to a sharp increase in poverty and homelessness?

- GUNTHER: Also Uncle Joe is sorry! You can trust that America's social safety net is safe in his hands! Nevertheless, in 2020, you can trust Uncle Joe…

FINANCIAL DEREGULATION

- HACHS: Fair enough! So how do you explain Joe’s support for financial deregulation?

- GUNTHER: Well now, it’s easy to throw elephants, but how could Uncle Joe have known that allowing finance companies to regulate themselves would lead to an economic crisis? Ok, but remember who led us OUT of that 2008 financial crisis? These guys!

PATRIOT ACT

- HACHS: Can’t argue with that! So what about the Patriot Act? 

- GUNTHER: You can’t blame Uncle Joe for giving President Bush extraordinary powers after 9/11. I mean, don’t you want your representatives to over-react to a crisis like their constituents?


IRAQ + AFGHANISTAN WAR

- HACHS: I guess that makes sense… But aren't you concerned that Joe is the ONLY 2020 candidate who voted for the Iraq War?

- GUNTHER: Look, Uncle Joe has already apologized a million times for supporting the War in Iraq. What else do you want him to do? Build a time machine, go back a couple of months, and not run for president while acknowledging his role in helping cause many of the problems we're now facing? I mean come on!

- HACHS: Ooo Following ambition over introspection is TIGHT!

- GUNTHER: Also, President Bush did such a swell job in Afghanistan that Uncle Joe was completely blindsided by his incompetence in Iraq! I mean, who could have seen that coming?

- HACHS: Well, Joe WAS in charge of the Senate Foreign Intelligence Committee, so wouldn’t that be his job? Also, I vaguely remember the War in Afghanistan being a monumental disaster.

- GUNTHER: Ok but remember who got us out of those wars? These guys!

BANKRUPTCY BILL

- HACHS: Can’t argue with that! So what about the 2005 bankruptcy bill that credit card companies spent  $100 million lobbying for? Despite saying that it would lead to lower prices for consumers, studies show that prices continued to rise while corporate profits exploded.

- GUNTHER: Well there’s a simple explanation but... [phone rings] Aww shucks look at the time! Well I'm sure you were almost out of elephants anyway...

REMAINING ELEPHANTS

- HACHS: Yeah there weren’t too many left… Just Joe’s support for the Defense of Marriage Act, the TPP, the Energy Policy Act, a balanced budget amendment, his unsolicited defense of the wealthy…

- HACHS: Both Reagan Tax Cuts, The No Child Left Behind Act, telecom deregulation, his general propensity for gaffes...

- GUNTHER: Oh good! So what do you think of Uncle Joe?

- HACHS: Well… is it POSSIBLE that even if he genuinely strived to do what he thought was right, Joe Biden’s likability has clouded the fact that he’s a textbook political insider, desperate to become president, whose perspective has been subtly corrupted by corporate interests, and whose actual legacy is that of a career politician protecting the status quo in a manner distinctly reminiscent of Hillary Clinton?

- GUNTHER: Malarkey! Uncle Joe is the clearly the best candidate and here’s why!

- HACHS: Because Uncle Joe is folksy and experienced?

- GUNTHER: Because Uncle Joe is folksy and experienced!

- HACHS: Fair enough! I’m sure he'll be fine so long as there’s no way to demonstrate that his long pattern of mistakes was clearly avoidable...

- GUNTHER: What do you mean?

- HACHS: Well, for example: if there was another candidate who served in Congress with Joe for an extended period of time, while voting the opposite way on ALL of these disturbing elephant issues.

- GUNTHER: Heavens to Betsy! That’d clearly prove that Uncle Joe has terrible judgment and automatically disqualify him as the best candidate in 2020!

[END]

- GUNTHER: Hi does your law firm do name changes? I’d like to change my last name to... Buddidge? Buttigege? Butti...? Nevermind...


So is Biden the biggest progressive?


Hey I’m Leo Ashe! If you liked this video, please subscribe and comment below on what I should cover next!


And until next time, stay angry! #KnowBiden #AlwaysAngry


Also, here's my FULLY CITED, comprehensive list of Joe Biden's questionable judgement over the years.

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“That's what I do. I smoke weed, and I forget things!” 

-- Leo Lannister